The Valentines shoe box

A love note to you

Oh, I couldn’t wait to see which boy from my kindergarten class would put a Valentine in my little crafted shoe box decorated with lace, red construction paper and pictures. Chances were his Mom made all the cards for him and he had no idea what they said or who they should go to but he put one in every classmates’ box. I’d sit at my desk waiting for the acknowledgment that I was “loved, liked or at least noticed.” I too would walk around with my Valentines, home made usually because that’s what we did in our family, and put one in each classmates box. I was very careful about what I wrote on each one. Maybe I’d put an extra heart on the card for the boy I had a crush on. Oh, those were good times when it came to exploring love.

Believing that I was loved, liked or noticed by one of these boys just because he put a CVS Valentine written by his Mom, in my box, was mainly in my head of course. I told myself a story about how he thought about me as he wrote (his mom wrote) his little note to me that said “Be my Valentine.” He may or may not have thought about his love for me but the thought of him thinking about me brought me joy. It was kindergarten after all. It was a time when joy and love was easy to feel.

I think from a very young age, I felt loved but not always seen and that’s on me. I was still figuring out who I was. As I became a teen, I often felt as though I had to “work” to be loved, play a part or be an easy girlfriend who didn’t argue or complain. I didn’t have the confidence to just be myself and trust that others would love me like my family had.

I grew up moving around a lot so my goal when I first arrived at a new school was to connect with the popular crowd. I tried to make friends quickly and get a boyfriend. I was fast tracking and sometimes lost myself in that. I remember wondering if I would still be noticed, if I started hanging out with the artsy kids instead of the jocks. They seemed very cool but not as well known in the school. My teenage brain thought I would fade into the background if I hung out with them. That need to be seen was strong back then.

Even in college I was of course still finding myself. I had a thing for this guy who I really worked hard to get to love me. I thought I loved him but I never felt it was fully reciprocated. I didn’t call too much, showed up when he asked, was always light hearted and basically questioned every move I made when it came to him. I was not being authentic and perhaps that’s why it didn’t work.

Then I met my current Valentine. Well, he was kind of in my life ‘waiting’ for me to realize he was the one. He really loved me. He saw me on a dance floor first and that is truly where I am most authentic. And he liked me anyway!!! He seemed to take me as I was, sweat and all, and in every situation, without judgment or a need to change me. We have been married now for 36 years because of this and he supports all of my wild ideas for work and our adventures together.

Living authentically can be scary when you are wanting to be loved. You can feel like the real you, is not enough. Even when making friends it can feel that way. We try to impress others with a version of ourselves that may not be who we really are or want to be. You are enough without that. When you truly are just who you are, in your perfectly messy way, you are actually the most lovable. There is an open honesty that people can see. You allow them in to witness who you really are and that is a gift. If they don’t like what they see, that is not on you and they can move on. The right people will come to you and they will be a better fit as a friend or a love partner. This I have truly found to be the case. And guess what, you get to choose them! It’s not a game of waiting to be chosen as someone lovable. You open your heart, love yourself first and then seek those who are that way too. I think many of us have that one friend who is truly authentic with us, who sees us and does not judge. That is real love. That same kind of love can come from a partner as well.

For this Valentines day, BE YOU. Enjoy who you are, who you’ve become, what you’ve overcome and celebrate that fact that this life is not easy, yet you are still doing it my friend. You are lovable, amazing, fierce and courageous. Make a little shoe box with all the cutesy decorations and fill it with love notes to yourself. Then open the lid and let all that love pour out. So whether you have a love partner this year for Valentines day or not, love is still in abundance within you and around you. Like I did in kindergarten, get excited by it and not because some Hallmark holiday says so but because Love is so much more fun than anger or feelings of not being seen.

Have fun crafting and I love you

Kim